Listen to God's voice at the foot of the crucifix." ~St. Gaspar del Bufaro~

Friday, November 25, 2016

Advent In A Broken Family

The holidays are upon us and I recognize this heavy weight on my soul...It's grief calling again.  I smile on the outside but the grief over my broken family is a deep ache, down to my core, that doesn't let up.  This is the first holiday that my husband lives apart from us...

Just when I've been sitting well with the suffering these past few weeks, I stumble and fall now. Grief is like that. Things like holidays can trigger loneliness or sadness and the pattern continues with two steps forward, one step back.  The pain ebbs and flows. As the waves wash over, I blink and hang on.  The memories haunt me as I wonder about love.  I mourn the wedding vows. I crumple to my knees by the side of the bed where we held hands every night.

The very honest thing is that it's devastating to have a broken family during a season that once held unity and togetherness.  It hurts, terribly.  Wait, I recognize this pain.  I've been here before, aching over another husband's tragic death, clinging to our baby boy during the holidays. Never would I have dreamed I'd be here again.

This time I'm alone in our family home with 4 more children.  Their Dad still sees them but emotions are strained and our home is empty of him. I know it, they know it. It feels like a punch to the gut as I watch them hurt from the severed bond of sacred familyThis is the exhausting reality of our daily life and magnified now, during a season that should be filled with our family in tact. 

I've learned that it's not a pity party to talk about loss because the acknowledgement of the hurt enables us to work through it, heal, and keep moving.  Otherwise, we get stuck. Right now we need to keep our souls moving towards the light...Namely towards the star of hope.
Lord, help us focus on this family, the Holy Family...This is the real family that our Holey family should cling to.

The hard reality is that separation (or divorce) are different kinds of death. All people in the family are suffering and grieving.  We didn't ask for this and we have no control. Highlighting the death is the fact that it's even more awkward for those who encounter us.  The dear souls who acknowledge the "death" and offer their hearts to us are treasures.  I am grateful for those who check in, knowing the treacherous journey we are on.  Unfortunately, many people avoid us which compounds the sadness. This stirs a calling in my soul to write about it. I encourage others to reach out and not shrink away from the victims of broken families.

It's exactly this that brings me to Advent in a broken family.  No one feels quite as broken if they have hands to hold on to. 
I catch a glimpse of four long faces fixed upon me for guidance...How are we going to do this?

Yes, let's think about how we're going to do this...What I know for sure is that we are not alone.  There are countless people suffering this time of year except now it includes us. A plan comes to my heart...I hope this plan also helps others who might be suffering during this time of year.

In the spirit of keeping things simple, I propose four pledges or goals for our Broken Family Advent.  They represent the 4 weeks that we should consider an opportunity to carry the weight of grief to the manger on the road to Bethlehem.  As the Holy Family surely encountered...The road is not easy.  We know this by now...The best rewards are never easy.  Yet, we will walk it, we'll keep moving, and we'll get there!  We will arrive with hearts ready to peer over the manger, gazing into the face of a baby Savior.

The Broken Road To Bethlehem:
We will read these on the first Sunday of Advent and each week, holding tight to the hands around us. 

Week 1. I vow to reach out to those who might be suffering.  We are the body of Christ and when we give, we receive.  This is the best gift of the season.  Let us look for little ways that we can reach out and pray for others, even if we cannot afford to give with money.  We will keep a list of prayer intentions by our wreath. 
Getting out of ourselves, gets us into the manger.

Week 2. I vow to think of all those "others" when I'm worn out from the toils of the day, the season, alone with the weight of my grief.  In these moments, I will light the candles on our Advent wreath in the honor of all the others who suffer.  The silence of my soul will echo prayer and unite my broken heart with theirs.  Let me remember that light casts out darkness.
Let us close our eyes and remember the Star of Bethlehem... A beacon of hope that beckons.

Week 3.  I vow to be thankful.  Here lies the best glimpse of the season and it begins in the manger.  If I truly love the Christ baby who came to relieve us of this earthly suffering through His birth, death, and resurrection, I will pause each day in thanksgiving.  Let us share the thankful things in our lives each week with one another.
A Savior's birth is the dawn of gratitude...The bridge from death to life.

Week 4.  I vow to hold baby Jesus.  Let us practice holding Him this last week of Advent.  If I look into His eyes, I will see the whole world...He came for everyone.  Let us see ourselves, along with all those we struggle with, in the eyes of this Godly baby.  Let us see that he loves all of us.  May this help us grow in love and reconcile our sorrows.
From the crib to the cross, He shows us how to live and love.

Advent in a broken family will be an arduous walk to Bethlehem but the joy at the destination will be worth it. 
May we all be reminded that the peace of that baby King is the best beginning and the happiest ending.
+Please keep our family in your prayers. If you are all together as a family, please treasure that...I would have never dreamed this would happen to us. If you are experiencing brokenness, please let me know how we can pray for you. Leave your requests in the comments or email me. It would be a great gift to offer up my suffering/our suffering to pray for you+

I vow to remain here.
Family At The Foot of the Cross

Catholic Resources on Facebook:


  1. Tiffany, even in your suffering, God's work is in your words. What a beautiful way to prepare for Christmas. The unphysical death is such a strange thing. Though not your situation, I struggled with the grief of losing my father to alcoholism. I didn't even realize what I was going through initially. Fast forward to this past September and he stopped drinking. Just like that. (That's how it was with my mom too when I was a child.) It's still a long road of recovery and renewed hope and trust though. I'll continue to pray for you but especially for peace and hope this season.

    1. Thank you for your prayers and for sharing! Good way to put it...Unphysical death. So true that it's very difficult to wrap your brain around. I'll pray for your Dad's continued recovery and trust for all of you, too. Advent peace to you too, my friend.

  2. Your plans are simply perfect and great for all, to whatever degree of brokenness.

    Your family remains in our prayers. We will carry you into our Advent.

    We are in tact but there is suffering, there is always suffering. Just when we think hearts have been healed and people have changed, we are pricked. We continue to strive to not be of the flesh and we fail often. We pray to accept it all with joy and cooperate with His grace to grow closer to Him as He desires.

    I so greatly appreciate you uniting our intentions to your suffering.

    Pax Christi

    1. Thank you for the Advent gift of your prayers, Lena! Yes, I will be honored to pray for you too...Already on my list by the wreath:)Peace, my friend.

  3. Thank you for writing this moving and deeply personal sharing... I have lived the same broken holidays. But as you wrote, it's about finding God within them. Beautifully said!

    1. Amanda, it was such a blessing to meet you and find the resources you shared! I updated my post with a couple of them. Advent peace to you.

  4. Tiffany,
    I so admire how you are trying to not focus on your suffering, but acknowledging it for what it is and turning your heart, mind and soul toward heaven and uniting your grief, sacrifices and love for others. Our faith teaches that through redemptive suffering there comes hope and goodness. May your heart and home be filled with blessings that come from surrending to God's will. Romans 8:28 comes to mind. Thank you for sharing so that we can know how to pray for you. You are a beautiful mom, friend and writer. We will continue to pray for you and your Advent season filled with faith, hope and love.

    1. Thank you, dear Tracy. It's been a blessing to blog with you through good times and bad...I feel like I know you, even though we haven't met. We've shared a lot! Thank you for your love, outreach, and prayers. Advent faith, hope, and love to you too, my friend.

  5. I say this nearly every time I comment, but you write beautifully. It is a gift. And, you are a gift to your children. You continue to be a part of my prayer intentions. Much love, Annita

    1. Thank you, Annita. I miss being in touch with you. I wish you and your family a peaceful Advent! Isn't it great that we still have our little ones to enjoy some of the "fun" things? Much love to you, dear friend.

  6. The depth that you reach when you write is so powerful. Your words, even though painful for you to write, are like balm for others who read. As long as I've known you, you bring so much comfort to others even though you, yourself, are drowning in pain and suffering. Your own fiat to God, your own yes, to respond the way you do with such mercy toward others, is a blessing to witness. Your plan for Advent is so fitting, one for others to follow as well. Hugs to you and prayers (always)!

    1. Thank you, dear friend. I would be grateful if I could be a witness for others...The writing is definitely a path to healing for me. I feel like I say 'yes' to my drowning in suffering too much lately and I need to work on more trust. I'm doing my best to drink in grace with my coffee each day:) THANK YOU for prayers and treasured friendship. Love you, Patty!

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  8. Tiffany, I am so sorry for your struggles. In the last year I lost touch with you, as we had our own heavy cross to carry. We have both had many changes this past year, and I know you feel as I do -- "I never thought I'd be where I am." I will keep you in prayer.

    1. Thank you for checking in with me, Barbara! YES, I feel just like you do. I'll be keeping you in my prayers as well.


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