Listen to God's voice at the foot of the crucifix." ~St. Gaspar del Bufaro~

Sunday, June 18, 2017

It Is Finished. (Part 1-The D Word)

It is finished. That awful "d" word is now attached to my name and our family...divorce.  I feel like I need to pinch myself here in this little blog window.  It honestly doesn't seem possible.  I remember feeling this same way after my late husband was tragically killed and hated the title of widow. That word sounds so dark. Now I hate this title equally.  Actually, I hate it a little more. I know that 'hate' is a strong word but seriously, I'm not sure I can handle much more. What's up with this, Lord?  I truly want to be goodness and light and these things bring out the worst in me. I question my sanity and I'm not good at the struggle. Oh, is that the point? I'm sorry, I keep missing the point, I guess.  A dear friend and I chuckle over the fact that I must be the queen of bizarre tragedies. Lord have mercy.  After much prayer and consideration, I've decided to share some of the story. Maybe by putting myself out there in all of my weakness, others might find hope and healing a long with me. After all, we're all in this together!

First, I just need to vent a bit. Don't you think that divorce is an ugly word? There's just something about it that sounds bad.  To be honest, I can't even say the word out loud.  I hate it even more because I'm Catholic and it goes against everything I believe in.  I believe we were two that became one flesh. I believed in growing continually through our day-to-day fidelity to our marriage promise.  I believe in total and mutual self-giving.  I gave 100% of myself to my spouse and I thought he did too.  What on earth happened? 

Like a bomb going off, I discovered this wasn't the reality.  Betrayal and pathological lies staggered through the 17 years and suddenly they came to light in shocking ways.  I initially wrote about addiction but it turns out that was only a symptom of other issues. In fact, I've heard stories like mine on television talk shows and now one of them showed up in my house. Uninvited.  I am that person who had no clue. It was honestly like the father of lies suddenly appeared and shattered our family in one fell swoop.  It has truly been UNbelievable.

Being totally transparent, it's clear that I struggle to understand what this is all about.  I share here in this personal space, to continue to document healing through the unthinkable, the unfathomable.  I'm trying to keep hope afloat for myself and my children.  It's not easy.  As a person of faith, I know God is keeping me sane.  Without Him, I am nothing, I can do nothing.  It's so important to know that we are not alone.  If there is someone else out there who is struggling with any type of deep suffering, it is my desire to help.  I've searched for help and found it through honest, faith-filled writers, who shared their struggles and their paths to healing. I believe it can be done with God's help alone.


It's been almost 3 years working through this tragedy and my heart still hurts terribly.  It hurts all the time.  My brain hurts too.  Both my heart and my head still struggle to process all that has happened.  Especially because things were good and happy in my house until the lies rolled out.  It's still so hard to believe that such an incredible charade took place right before my eyes. It feels harder to handle because I never saw this coming, nor did the children. 

Yet, even with the level of deception that occurred, it was still my first instinct to fight for our marriage.  I knew our children deserved that.  Later, I learned that my "fighting" was all co-dependent fighting.  Especially when it came to his addiction, I spent all of my days coming up with resources that would help my spouse fight his demons, determined to solve his problems...And truthfully, hoping they would all disappear with some "magic bullet."  The sad reality was that trust was completely gone and no magic bullet could repair the fact that truth never existed in the first place.

Even though the Sacrament probably wasn't valid, it's still a deep pain that doesn't subside.  Love still holds out hope that maybe a miracle could occur with humility and true reconciliation. I hoped and prayed, for my children's sake, that a miracle recovery and conversion would take place.  It was my biggest prayer to have my husband and family back, the way it was 'before.' 


No miracle came.  This was another tragedy for all of us.  With every bone in my body, I feel the broken bonds of our marriage in the hearts of my children.  Marriage is clearly not just about the husband and wife.  Our bond created more life and love through our children and they are crushed a long with us.  We should never underestimate the damage that an earthquake causes to a house... Everyone who lives there is affected. I suppose that's why the word divorce sounds bad.  It sounds like walls dividing and crumbling down.

So the question is how do you put your house and heart back together after this divorce rumbles through your life?  How does someone rebuild a house of love?  Now there's a happy word!  Rebuild.  It's possible, as we all know.  We've seen it happen all around us.  Even the horrific 9/11 brought rebuilding and restoration. This is where I am now. I'm struggling with rebuilding and restoration in the midst of human damage. I'm learning that it takes a real and honest look at the carnage...resentment and other broken pieces of my heart... to see how it's affecting spiritual and physical progress. I'll share more about this in Part 2.  I have started to realize that my brokenness started to consume me.  I prayed in desperation for healing.

It's obvious that just like death, divorce symbolizes that a marriage is done.  It is finished.  Yet also like death, LIFE is not over.  We hope.  There is always hope.  This is what I cling to as I walk through the desert, once again. I know God always brings goodness when bad things happen but it's hard to wait. Patience, patience, and more PATIENCE, the virtue I need the most practice with.  Funny how that is...I'm obviously a very slow learner!

In Part 2, God reminds me that healing is possible.
"I will restore you to health; of your wounds I will heal you, says the Lord." ~Jer. 30:17





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