Five Things A Bereaved Person Might Say

...My son at the grave of his father...

This is kind of a random post but it's a topic that's always on my heart.  I'm certainly no expert in the field of grief but I know there are some common threads that run through the rivers of loss.  It is my hopes that in sharing a few things, maybe we can minister to one another with a little more compassion and understanding.  I thought I'd jot a little post about these things since I DO bring it up every once in awhile, now don't I?  That's one thing that I think is fairly common in bereaved people...They like to talk about it and write about it.  As with anything, there are always exceptions but for the most part,
1. Bereaved people love to talk and write about their loved ones... It doesn't matter how many years go by...We still love to talk about the ones we miss and the memories we shared.  Only through the pain, through the Cross, can we find healing.  I have actually found writing to be extremely therapeutic so welcome to my "session."*wink*  As the years go by, talking and writing are ways for us to keep memories alive for as long as we survive without them, it's the salve on our wound...until we meet again and our mourning is turned into dancing.  
Please don't judge us unless you've walked in our shoes...

  It's no surprise to most of the readers here that I have lost a dear husband.  His name is Chris and names are important when you have lost someone.  A name becomes a musical note that plays the tune of love that never ends.  I think that's why it's so healthy to name our babies that we've lost to miscarriage.  

2. Never be afraid and never forget to mention a name to someone who has lost.  This is the greatest gift you can give...Even years later.  All those we love are never far from our thoughts.

I also bring up this point because some people might find it odd that I still miss one husband while being happily married to another man.  It's a very difficult concept to explain, I know.  The closest example I can give is that of losing a child.  After talking to friends who have experienced this loss in their lives, they know that they could never "replace" that child with another child.  That is why it's such a wrong thing for someone to say: "Oh, you can have "another one"...
3. Please don't ever try to comfort a grieving person by telling them they can "get another one"...whether it be a spouse or a baby. (Like you can run out to the grocery store and buy another!?)

Yes, you may have other children that bring joy to your life again, but that one missing human being is irreplaceable.  Well, in a nutshell, this is how I feel about losing a husband.  He was a dear and precious soul who was his own person, a spouse and a Dad that is dearly missed. It used to drive me mad when people would say: "Oh, you're young so you can still get married again."  Sure, I'll just get right on that!  Not.   I had no plans or a desire to remarry but God obviously saw things differently.  It is a miraculous blessing that He saw fit to bring me another wonderful man to share the rest of my life with. Being remarried brings me great joy that only a Sacrament can bring.   However, one person does not replace another.  You can still miss the past and love in the present, if that makes sense?.  Ultimately, it's very difficult to put all of this in words because it boils down to a matter of the heart.  That's one thing I do know how to put into words...your heart grows in it's capacity for love after loss. 
4.  Your love for a deceased loved one is not a threat to any living loved ones.  God fills our hearts with enough love to go to the moon and back!

I recently watched a new Christian movie called Courageous.  The pastor in the movie states things perfectly when he suggests that losing someone you love is like being an amputee...You are never the same again.  This is so true. However, with time, you are able to conquer the world in new and wondrous ways that you would never have been able to do without that wound.  The love I share for my husband now is deeper than an ocean of grief, only because of the ocean of grief.  It might be complicated for some people...Yes it's complicated, what can I say?   But for those who have experienced this loss, it makes perfectly good sense, it just does!


5. Suffering a loss never goes away.  The pain undoubtedly diminishes with time and we can certainly move forward with greater ease but speaking for myself, loss of a spouse stays with us all of our lives.  For the most part, I am a faith-filled person who undertands that my suffering has been a great gift.  I know for a fact that my anguish has made me a better Catholic Christian and it has bathed me in showers of mercy, opening the dam to pour forth forgiveness that was necessary in my situation.  Most recently, my personal grief has brought me to my knees in thanksgiving...Grateful for grace and hope that prevail. However, (there are lots of 'howevers' in grief;) there are days when I don't always sit perfectly well with it.  The ocean of grief ebbs and tides like the natural rhythms of life...It comes and goes with waves that are all shapes and sizes.  Hence, compassion and prayers are gifts during these times. 
A bereaved person would be thankful for this any day, any month, any year.

+++A special thank you to all who have offered prayers for me this year as I journey through another Lent, up that Calvary Hill to my own Good Friday.  I appreciate this more than I can express.  I will also be praying for all of you in return for your generosity+++