Listen to God's voice at the foot of the crucifix." ~St. Gaspar del Bufaro~

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Groping for God

Hello God, it's me, Tiffany.
Where are you?
My family has fallen apart and I don't understand.
One day I was a homeschooling Mom who made liturgical food and crafts with my kids and the next day, my whole world crashed down around me. 
I thought I had it all. 
Where has that life gone? 
Oh, how I'd give anything to have it back.
Things haven't been the same since that fateful day...
Our family, our children, our marriage...
Crumpled under the cross.

Holy week came this year and my husband was getting his own apartment. 
I don't know who this man is?
No more Husband, no more Dad in our home.
I saw you carrying your Cross, Lord.  
Every Friday, I watched and listened to your suffering.
I wanted to be just like you but I couldn't.
I just knelt there and poured out my grief upon you because I was too weak to bear it...
Consumed by the cross.

Somehow I got through it...Another Holy Week. 
You were there, Lord.  I know you were. 
Suddenly I see that clearly because
that's where you love us best...on Calvary.
Our Calvary is your Calvary.
Time and time again, you meet us there to show us we can do it.
What holy irony it is that we are closest to you there.
My pain and sorrow is also your pain and sorrow.
You show us that suffering is not the end.
I choose hope.  I choose you, Lord.
Help me to model this for our children...
Huddled near the cross.
Please forgive me for wondering what this is all about
and for missing the old life. 
Like it or not, I'm traveling a new road.
No more homeschooling but still a home built on faith.
Help me to keep you alive in our family, Lord.
Help me to remember that when we are weak, you are made perfect in us.
When we are empty, you have more room to fill us up.
Always and forever...
Family At the Foot of the Cross.

"What came to be through him was life, and this life was the light of the human race; the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." ~John 1:1-18


  1. Tiffany,

    I don't know what to say as my heart breaks for you. Please know that I am praying for you and will especially keep you in prayer at Sunday mass tomorrow morning. May God give you peace and comfort now and always!

    1. Thank you and God bless you for continued prayers, Tracy!

  2. Dear Tiffany,

    I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please know that you are in my prayers.


  3. I am so sorry, Tiffany. In all our struggles... That choice, the choosing God is key. It's everything. Keep holding on. Praying for all of you.

    1. Thank you so much, Nicole. I'm hanging on for dear life...

  4. Dearest Tiffany, this is so poignant and heartfelt and faith-filled and brave and I am so sorry for your pain...again. How hard it is to understand God's plan...the cross. I pray you feel His nearness! May Our Lady comfort you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

    1. Thank you so much, dear Allison...Your prayers are a great gift! I think understanding God's plan is my biggest struggle right now. God bless you and your family.

  5. Tiffany, I cannot find any words (I keep backspacing). I am sorry I have not emailed recently, but you are always in my prayers... your name is written down in my prayer book. We will offer our rosary for you and your family. Peace and love, Annita

    1. How are you, my friend? I continue to be grateful for each and every prayer. Love and blessings to you!

  6. You are one of the most faith-filled, bravest person I know. My heart aches for you. You continue to be in my daily prayers and thoughts. Love you.

    1. Your love and prayers mean the world to me, dear friend! I sure don't feel very brave at all...But I know I'm being propped up by each and every thought from the heart. Love you and God bless your precious family!

    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  7. Tiffany, please know that you will be in my prayers. May Our Blessed Mother wrap her mantle around you!

    1. Oh thank you, dear Christine! I know I must be wrapped in Mama Mary's mantle to be able to keep weathering this storm. Love and blessings to you for the gift of your prayers.

  8. Tiffany, I haven't been blog-reading in such a long time and your birthday post brought me here and then, when I scrolled down to past posts I see so much heartache! I am so sorry my dear friend! I can't imagine what you must be going through, have been going through for quite a while, it seems. You are so beautiful and holy and strong. Thank you for sharing your faith through suffering. You are an inspiration! Many prayers for you and your family.

    1. Thank you for stopping by and for your gracious prayers, dear Anne! It's been a VERY long road and more to come. Continued prayers would be a great blessing.


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