After much prayer and consideration, I've decided to share a little more of my story. Maybe by putting myself out there in all of my weakness, others might find hope and healing a long with me. At times, I have never felt so alone. What breaks people out of this is loneliness is getting it out, talking, writing, etc. If you have ever experienced betrayal trauma, (or any other trauma) you know this. You cannot remain silent. You must be able to talk about it. I risk being shunned here but it's worth it, even if it reaches one person who needs to know that someone else walks with them.
First, I just need to vent a bit. Don't you think that divorce is an ugly word? There's just something about it that sounds bad. To be honest, I can't even say the word out loud. I hate it even more because I'm Catholic and it goes against everything I believe in. I believe we were two that became one flesh. I believed in growing continually through our day-to-day fidelity to our marriage promise. I believe in total and mutual self-giving. I gave 100% of myself to my spouse and I thought he did too. What on earth happened? This is my reality...No control.
Like a bomb going off, I discovered that betrayal and pathological lies staggered through the 17 years of our marriage and suddenly came to light in shocking ways. I initially wrote about sexual addiction but it turns out that was only a symptom of many other issues. In fact, I've heard stories like mine on television talk shows and now one of them showed up in my house. Uninvited. I am that person who had no clue. It was honestly like the father of lies suddenly appeared and shattered our family in one fell swoop. It has truly been UNbelievable.
Being totally transparent, it's clear that I struggle to understand what this is all about. I share here in this personal space, to continue to document healing through the unthinkable, the unfathomable. I'm trying to keep hope afloat for myself and my children. It's not easy. As a person of faith, I know God is keeping me sane. Without Him, I am nothing, I can do nothing. I might sound like a broken record but it really is vitally important to know that we are not alone. If there is someone else out there who is struggling with any type of deep suffering, it is my desire to help. We can be beacons of hope for one another if we share our struggles and paths to healing.
Even though the Sacrament probably wasn't valid, it's still a deep pain that doesn't subside. Love still holds out hope that maybe a miracle could occur with humility and true reconciliation. I hoped and prayed, for my children's sake, that a miracle recovery and conversion would take place. It was my biggest prayer to have my husband and family back, the way it was 'before.'